Relationship Resurgence

October 9, 2016

Relationship resurgence

I have made friends with many men who are looking to stray from their relationship. It may have been because I was in an extended time of being unable to commit myself. For whatever reason I have had a series of meaningful encounters with men who feel they need/want something more from life and from love than they are currently getting. I have been the woman that is with a guy before he finds the one. I was the one who was there while he oscillated. I was the one who helped him establish if he wants a family. Or what it is he wants?

I’ve been the woman your husband confides in and doesn’t tell you about. I have learned to steer clear of triangular arrangements. Meanwhile I have been party to some confidentialities that men rarely feel free enough to share with their partners.

 

So I ask myself what is it these guys look for in a partner or in an affair that they are seeking in themselves?  

We all go through various stages of personal growth in relationship.There are a lot of mid life crises about.

 In my view it is worth trying to stick it out in a long term relationship. If love is more than a romantic notion, if it is like a journey of mutual awakening as I believe it to be, then we are elements in each others lives on every level. Including spiritually.

 

I am a muse for some men. Some guys start an emotional bond with me that I call friendship. However the fact that they aren’t telling their wives or partners about me starts to blur the lines...is it an affair?

 I always find myself encouraging them to stay with their wives. They keep coming back for more. Maybe because a man likes a woman to make a better man of him. Minus the nagging.

 I let them know when they have to be patient and kind with their partner. I have also let them know when to stand up for themselves. 

For me it is a friendship not a prescribed formula after all. But whichever way the cookie is crumbling I always am the voice of optimism for an established relationship. 

I might tell them what they see in me is a need for more adventure in their lives. More fun. More romance. More shared dreams. And yes, you guessed it more sex. If thats the case they know about it and I don’t need to say so, also I'm not keen to encourage any projections toward me- so I won’t bring any of that up in conversation if my friend is married or otherwise attached. If we’re honest we could all do with a bit more seduction. That literally means more foreplay - mentally, emotionally and physically. Quite possibly more sex, definitely more quality sexual intimacy.

 

How do you see yourself? How does your partner see you? What qualities does he/she admire? What do you admire in them?

 

It’s about appreciation!

This is something that needs to be explored fully if you are to revive a relationship (of any kind, some principles can be applied to just about any relationships )

In order to fully appreciate someone, one needs to take a step back and feel respect for a person. Respect for their journey and their learnings from life. Respect for the fact that their experiences have impacted them in various ways. Respect for their aspirations. Listen to them, be attentive. Show you care. 

Unfortunately by the time some relationships have stood the test of time it’s within the realms of possibility that a woman has her husband preserved in a mindset where he needs controlling to some extent, he needs telling what to do and when. Or a man may have his wife in a box in his head with the label ‘handbrake’ on it. 

Those may be exaggerated stereotypes but if things are like that at home over a prolonged period of time, enough to make a man feel pigeonholed, he may turn up at my door with a bunch of flowers to take me on a picnic. His story might be he’s at his mates house. 

Why? because he’s looking for mental, physical and emotional space to be himself. He's not actually looking to betray anyone, or hurt anybodies feelings, even if that's where he's heading. He needs some space to explore the part of him that needs reviving.

In love and friendship respect a man’s sense of his own timing. Listen to his ideas. Interact with your own point of view but don't assume he's asking for you to make a decision for him. Allow him to be more of himself, to show more of himself because he isn’t stuck in a box in someones head. This is how I would treat any friend, male or female. Isn’t it how we would all like to be treated? 

‘Edwardian manners’ is a catch phrase I use for myself to describe a state of listening from a calm and balanced place to another. It translates as Super Respectful. Responding with care and kindness and real heartfelt appreciation. 

It’s certainly how I prefer to be treated. We often fail to realise manners are even more important with a partner or family relationship. 

 It swings both ways so guys, don’t forget, if you don’t respect and appreciate your woman - another man will. 

 

Someone said the way out of fear is through gratitude. Considering fear is about loss I can appreciate that statement. 

Make a point of feeling grateful for all the small things in your day. Express your gratitude. Try to see apparent set backs and obstacles as opportunities. Be thankful for every little synchronicity in your life that gives you an unexpected opening to surmount obstacles and grow. Feed your own optimism by monitoring your thoughts and words.  Appreciate your partner, have gratitude for every little thing he or she might do for you. Say thank you. Celebrate them for who they are. Reduce the number of times you find yourself trying to convince them to hold themselves back, in order to be 'better-behaved' (if not a tad boring).

*I'm not talking about tolerating destructive behaviour here. If a partner has a drug/alcohol or other dependancy they need professional help. Remember you are not qualified...

  

Forgiveness and remembering

Understand any on going self criticism through self forgiveness. The best book I have found re forgiveness is called Radical Forgiveness  http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/free-tools/

The only meaningful way I have come up with so far that allows any transcendence on the forgiveness scale is to see myself on a journey. If I can see myself with kindness and compassion I am more likely to feel centred, relaxed, optimistic about the future.  

 I remind myself I am completely taken care of. My needs are met. I look at and appreciate the small ways my needs are met each day, physically, in relationships of various forms. I voice this feeling of gratitude, I give it room. 

I reflect how my desire to give, to leave things better than I found them, to make a difference and to employ my gifts is part of a bigger picture. An individualised expression of the Will to good that creates and sustains love in the world. Establish your highest ethics and boundaries and attempt to live by them.

 If others who are challenging boundaries appear in your life see them as mirrors to your soul, asking your own boundaries and ethics if they are ready for an upgrade.

I understand as well I have skills and strengths that serve me. Through my weaknesses (or my developing strengths as I am coming to see them) I see I have made mistakes and I have learnt from them. This is why I must remember. Forgive and not forget. Forgive myself and learn and keep learning.

The same applies to forgiving others. It’s a process and cannot be forced. Self forgiveness does pave the way for more ease in forgiving others however. 

An attitude of kindness and compassion towards yourself radiates to others in your life

The completion of a process of forgiveness is felt when we have forgiven both ourselves and the other. Take your time, don’t beat up on yourself because you are part way through a process. Don’t imagine that you can’t have what you want. Not for a nano second. Know that you can feel all you want to feel in your relationships. And more.

 

No contact

 Some people we want “no contact “ with after abusive, intolerable behaviour. This can slow the forgiveness process down a bit, not to worry, no contact is necessary sometimes while you establish firm boundaries for yourself and uncover any “in the background” relationships with narcissistic types that might be leading you into the path of this type of relationship. 

(While searching the background it’s worth noting who you have on a pedestal. Do your teachers, gurus, and mentors stand up to scrutiny? Are some long held beliefs or associations outworn?  Has the dynamic changed to the extent that some alliances restrict you now, where once they didn’t?)

Meanwhile try to see the other person, this includes anyone you want no contact with, as a human being who you already share a soul contract with to bring you both to this stage of awareness that you are in right now. In the case of no contact this will probably happen once no contact has been going on for some time. You bear no responsibility for their state of awareness or what they have chosen to take from the soul lesson served up by the situation.

 They will probably never hear about how you have stepped away from the influence of your past by forgiving them for being an instrument of that painful lesson. They will probably feel it on some level though. Does that mean you should break the no contact? Hell no! Or should I say not necessarily.

Un-encumber yourself from the effects of any past relationships like this before you embark on another one is my best advise. Make space for some self love and respect. Get to know who you are now, bring the useful elements from the past forward, give to the parts of you that could do with some nurturing.

Appreciate that having learned, forgiven and remembered you will not have to endure that type of scenario again

 

Edwardian manners

YAY. I use manners a lot, I remind myself to say please and thank you. I often remind others as well.

Once I took a journey on a train in Italy where I met 2 women from England who were, like me, going from Venice to Rome. They mentioned that they found some difficulties with asking people for things. They found it strange how they came across as not at all polite or they were being treated as such. They didn't know if it was the locals being rude or them. They didn’t speak much Italian and their attempts weren’t being received as they wanted. I pointed out that the Italians lead with a ‘please’; they say 'per favore' before they introduce the subject they are asking about, where as we might say “Can you tell me where the train station is- please?” To someone who's culture and language has ingrained the 'please' first in the sentence, you can understand how they may have come across as another rude tourist.

So if I’m in a situation (daily) where Edwardian manners are called for I might choose to say ‘please may I ask you…?’ for example.... instead of just blurting out my question.

Try it. See if a more tender approach evokes a more tender response.

Using the phrase Edwardian manners is a little trigger for me and although my manners may be no where near Edwardian it reminds me to be articulate and straightforward without being impolite. 

It’s a habit I kick into when confronted with conflict resolution too. Often very useful at work. It sets a tone of respect which the other person naturally feels they should be able to live up to.

So when having conflict with your partner try to use your manners even when they aren’t. Raise the tone of the conflict resolution possibilities by lowering your tone of voice. 

Warning; Using good manners should not automatically kick in any default people pleaser setting you may have running in the background. If this happens please restore settings to “I can easily stand up for myself in all situations in a firm yet polite manner”. Please pass the cucumber sandwiches.

Using manners is a lot about dropping your ego and fostering appreciation and respect. Don’t jump to react to small stuff. If your darling suddenly comes up with the idea to plant the tree exactly where you told him to 5 months ago do you really want to point out that it’s actually your idea, yes and 5 months ago no less?

Unless bringing it up leads to a non judging good humour session between you both what would be the point? Playing the long game occurs to us in the beginning of a relationship but once we’re hitched we figure we have secured the long game and start picking on all the fine points of day to day.

 

Don’t put him down!

The more often you do the dishes that he said he would do, or the compost or the rubbish or firewood because you want it done now! the more disempowered he feels. Men need to feel helpful, needed. Don’t underestimate this. If it must be done now try asking again with Edwardian manners ;)

Please refrain from making your partner feel small in front of friends, relatives, strangers, basically anyone. As funny as some occurrences are let him tell the story about how he locked himself out of his hotel room naked.  Request the same from him if you need to. This can foster the respect you have for one another and acknowledges the vulnerabilities that exist for each of you. It is nice to feel like a team. It is necessary to feel like a team if you have shared goals and activities.

Never, ever put one another down in front of your children. This is damaging behaviour for all concerned. Married, separated, messy divorce, amicable separation, blended family, whatever the situation is please do not drag children into a messy spiral of pain. When you are speaking badly of their other parent you are speaking of a part of them. They can do without your side of the story. If you find you are the one being put down, patiently ask the other parent to refrain for the sake of the children. Your kids will be glad you showed some maturity. 

 

Freedom

 I often meet men who are either seeking freedom or conversely are seeking to leave their life of freedom and get hitched to the next available suitable mate in order to have a family. 

They are negotiating with themselves the territory between freedom and responsibility as we all do from time to time.

Space is more than physical. Mental space and emotional space, I’m sure you have experienced those. 

If you had 20% mental space free and 20% emotional space free and 20% of your time free to do what you like or simply to blob or whatever, what would you do?

Scheduling in your diary more time for mental and emotional space by taking walks in nature or journaling or surfing or whatever does it for you is a way of giving yourself more freedom in your life so that you don’t start to feel hemmed in by the significant other in your life who seems to be taking up ALL the emotional space, mental space and space in the house. If your man shows signs of needing space give it to him. Use the time you have apart to nourish yourself. Use the time you have together to enjoy and have fun.

If you imagine the energy of a relationship as a wheel turning you will see that 20% space is what's needed to  keep it turning. There has to be momentum, both goal driven momentum as well as flowing down the stream momentum. Men need to just do nothing sometimes. Don’t we all? Occasionally women in relationship may feel resentful that he needs time off for himself. Please revise that way of thinking and get to the bottom of it. If it makes you feel insecure know that Self respect and feeling connected to Love builds security. On every level. If you want the wheel to continue to turn then leave space for the momentum to flow. Respect yourself and each other. Allow for space around each other’s being to encompass the turning wheel of time and changes.

 Bringing in unstructured time when you don’t always know where you want to go, responding flexibly to spontaneous things that happen, can help create a sense of space within a relationship that allows you to show another side of yourself and maybe see a different side to your partner or just to have a different conversation.

 

Secrets 

Some men have admitted to me that they like to have a secret. It arouses in them something maybe of the hunter ? wild guess there on my part. But who is the secret being kept from? Their mother? Hopefully not you. Share a secret together if need be and let it lead to a secret togetherness. Is it the tenderness of a secret shared they really crave? 

 

The risk factor?

Bring it into perspective for them that risk taking is fine but don’t risk loosing what you have together. Bring more risk taking into your lives together in ways acceptable to you both.

 If you look for something new in yourself, newly arising talents or interests, new information and strategies you are engaging with your life in fresh ways. Each new way you find yourself- is a new dimension of self to potentially share with your partner. 

 While looking at positive new lights shining forth from your partner you could find you have the confidence to move to a more stable and anchored relationship that offers you both room to manoeuvre and grow personally, appreciating each other for the support you have from one another in that. Let the acceptable risks be things you bond over, maybe its sporting risks or a calculated business risk you make together. If their need for risk shows up ask them to feed it in ways that aren't endangering the relationship.

 

Sensual = Happy!

You were born a sensual being. Massage is one of the oldest forms of therapy known to man. Self massage for this reason is also important whether you are single or you’re coupled.

You’ve read the statistics. We over time touch less and show less affection to our partners. Meanwhile affection is probably the number one way of showing appreciation ! We get caught up in daily tasks. We may withhold sex or affection, possibly even kind words because we disagree on something. Or we feel slighted somehow. We feel somehow entitled to shower our lover with rainclouds as well as affection and can find ourselves treating friends even strangers with more courtesy than our partners.

No. Don’t do that. Remember to kiss and cuddle. Remember how to flirt with one another. 

Extend your gentle and growing appreciation for your life partners soul journey to a gentle sensuous touch.

 Maintain lightheartedness while agreeing to disagree. Don’t forget your manners.

 

Bring sexy back!!

I can’t say this often enough. Not that you can’t lounge around in your track pants with your hair in a birds nest- no. Maybe just put some lipstick on. Preferably organic. Preferably from my web store  www.worldorganics.com/abby.

Sexy is clean, groomed, healthy on one level and yet it is so much more than that too isn’t it?

 It’s a mindset and it’s foundation is in our own relationship with our bodies. Sexy is comfortable in your own skin. Use organic body lotion, something you can eat. my fave Rejuvenate Moisture Me body lotion, also available on my world organics web store www.worldorganics.com/abby

Or for something you can make at home, pamper your self with a coffee ground and coconut oil scrub.

Have baths. Pay attention to which scents make you feel relaxed, feminine or horny. Massage with oil. A lot. Play. Take your time. Slow right down at the moment you want to speed up. Pay exquisite attention to every nerve ending in your bodies. A great book to read is The Promise by Mark Whitwell. There is a beautiful yogic practise in there called the 7 minute wonder, to attune you to your body and allow you to feel at home in your body. Done alone or together these exercises increase your intimacy with your partner.

{more on that, 7 minute wonder}  http://www.heartofyoga.com/thepromise/

 

Fantasy

 …is something that everyone has a certain relationship to. People sometimes experience guilt, thinking that certain fantasies that have an arousal effect upon them may require acting upon.  errr no

It’s important to understand how you feel in the fantasy, do you feel desired and desirable? 

Do you feel surrendered, or empowered? Uninhibited, free? The qualities we feel in a pleasurable sexual fantasy are qualities we want more of in our lives. So once you uncover the feelings buried within your fantasies that are calling for your attention try to spend some time exercising those qualities in your day to day life more often. 

Perhaps an inner side of you wants to feel more desirable?

 Carry that feeling of being desirable with you in your day. In your fantasy there is only you, allowing yourself to feel this way, so carry that feeling to your day to day and observe

 How does feeling desirable alter the way you feel and your approach to just being on your own?

 What about requests?

 Circumstances? 

 Challenges?

 Opportunities for communication? 

Do you feel more alive and present? Are you more relaxed?

This is where you start to bring sexy back.

To explore this exercise fully allow yourself to feel desirable

What changes when you allow yourself in your ordinary waking day time activities to FEEL incredibly desirable?  with another, with others, with attention to your appearance, without any attention to your appearance? Some of the most interesting observations can come from the exploration of how this feels in day to day when you are just doing the housework on your own.You may come to understand that feeling desirable has nothing much to do with another and just as in a fantasy where there is only you and you, it's possible to identify and nurture those qualities that make you feel alive.

 

When examining your fantasies for secret soul content pertaining to what qualities your self is craving to bring forth in the world, I am specifically talking about fantasies that arise from your own unconscious;  there to show you the underlying secrets of your desire nature. I'm not talking about porn, or the effect that has on determining your fantasy life.

Porn in my mind is a testimony to a cultural powerlessness. The objectification of women (not only) and by extension the feminine, receptive side of the self leads culturally to a perverse, divided relationship with our own natures and Nature itself.

The dismissal of emotional intimacy as the prime motivator for sexual long term relationship barely allows room for an emotional maturity to take root in a person.

 If your fantasies carry a need to overpower then look at the situations in which you are powerless. In which the entire culture is powerless to an extent.

Strength not power brings respect.

Research your own strategies to empower yourself at work and at home and in relationship. Uncover your inner strength.

Overcome personal history and conditionings to rebalance situations in a loving manner towards yourself and those around you. Take small steps to honour mother earth. Get into the garden. Honour your own feminine side. Honour your child self. Be gentle with your vulnerability.

 

 

Frustration

Maybe there is more than one running fantasy for you? Enquire and explore the other sides of your personality wanting to come forth in a more balanced day to day approach. 

Is it that you want to feel uninhibited and free in your sexual fantasy for example? 

Pay attention to how it makes you feel in your body to not feel un-inhibited in your fantasy. Know that in life, beyond sexuality, you have a desire to feel free to express who you are without fear of judgement.

With other people taking delight in your free and beautiful expression of pleasure in this life. There is a freedom in that that brings you to life. You feel more connected and whole.

Look at the things, objects and situations, circumstances in your life that make you feel inhibited or disempowered to the point of frustration. Ask yourself what would be the first baby step you can do to bring improvement about in those areas. From there let any other insights arise.

Often we can become frustrated with another’s time frame or way of doing things. This can boil over into arguments and venting frustration. If a lot of frustration is expressed at home it’s a possibility either or both of you are entertaining fantasies that allow you to feel sexually uninhibited and free. If a relationship is blocked in some of the ways mentioned above then one or another of you could find yourself projecting such fantasies onto a suitably unavailable attractive person in your midst. Feelings such as frustration are alerting us to a need for transformation. 

There is nothing much to directly DO often about some frustrating circumstances and although it’s possibly a cliche by now it is possible to change your mindset and therefore your feelings around situations that you find frustrating.

If you and your partner are in a period of frustrating circumstances that perhaps aren’t bringing forth the easy flow of communications you both would prefer then it is a good time to ramp it up a notch in the bedroom.

 

Maybe this is around a creative project. Assert your individuality in both your desire nature and your life. 

Don’t get up in the group mind of the area you live, your culture or your work or associations. 

Live from your heart centre and cause it to be a force for good in the world. Feel your essence radiate forth from your heart. Get very real and honest with yourself about your core ethics. Stick by them.

 Allow yourself to feel pleasure without inhibition. Allow yourself to deserve and appreciate every nuance of pleasure available to you. Sit with it comfortably, know pleasure, unbridled pleasure is available to you at any given moment. Your underlying desire for pleasure is awake. Have a little smile on your face, why not? 

Take it out on each other when you get home. If you discuss the frustrating circumstances let your partner know you feel the solution is…. more sex…. I don’t see them complaining somehow...

So use that playful uninhibited side of you to bring more pleasure to yourself in the bedroom and ease the other frustrations of modern life and pressures that we all get to deal with.

 

Date night! 

Instant way to show love and respect for one another. Make a night a week where you both go out. According to the mood and the bank account it can be anything from a walk on the beach to a fancy dinner at a great restaurant. And a thousand other things more imaginative. Over the years you will perfect what you each require. When more excitement or adventure requirements arise in the relationship you can use this weekly ritual to embark on joint activities, dance classes, karaoke, bowling, archery, travel destinations.

Regular babysitting swap arrangements with your support team are an integral part of this sort of set up if you have kids or are planning family together. It is fully possible to have happen if you put it on your radar. Even with small children it is possible to go on dates together. Take note- Support team needed if contemplating children.

Why do you think date nights have such an impact on keeping the romance alive in a relationship? I think it has something to do with romance being a quality of the relationship that generates itself near the beginning of getting to know someone. Getting to see someone outside of your own day to day living arrangement opens the horizons of that person again in your eyes and for you again in theirs too. You get to dress up , maybe put on some make up. You get to choose “desirable” from your repertoire and enjoy somewhere together that perhaps neither of you have been to before so you may discover more about the other person and hopefully something more of yourself as well.

Again stepping back, seeing the humanity of your partner, respecting their struggles and triumphs as you respect your own. In order to keep a certain 'je ne sai que' about someone, I must reiterate ‘edwardian manners’ and all it entails does help. Show affection. We have heard the saying familiarity breeds contempt. It’s true. Keep the politeness ongoing, don’t be rude to the person you love if you can help it. There are many ways to go about conveying a message to someone you love that holds the potential for conflict. Some of it can’t be avoided but don’t add insults into the mix. Some conflict is downright necessary, stand up for yourself by all means. But don’t be so familiar that all mystery disappears. The interplay between the sexes involves a lot of playing, drawing you in, entertaining the possibilities. If all possibilities are so familiar as to be outworn you might find yourself at someone else's door looking for new ones. So open some new possibilities in the life you have together with the one you love.

 

Don’t put down your sense of humour!

This is another one I can’t emphasise enough.

Life gets serious at times. At other times just petty. A joint sense of humour is better than a joint bank account for getting a relationship off the ground. If you have the same penchant for ridiculous word play, wit or comic timing, it’s use in your communications will generate more interest between the both of you that will outlast romance as an investment. Learn what tickles your sweethearts fancy. The chances are they will like sweet gestures of thoughtfulness and humour. You know what crazy things make each other laugh. Remind each other of your 'in' jokes.

Someone might like to get home from work and talk about everything immediately. Some might like to wait until later, go with a persons flow if you can, while still getting what you need. The longer you live with someone the better chances you have to up-skill your manners and your sense of humour. Laughing together is a wonderful way to create happiness and harmony in relationships. Don’t allow yourself to hide behind humour too much though. Try to articulate your heart , even if it has a diametrically opposed view to what is happening for your partner. Demonstrate your willingness to compromise where that may be appropriate but be careful not to over promise or view the future of your relationship as a goal at all costs. Stick with the here and now of how you feel and let things progress naturally. One eye on the future and the compromise needed to get there together is of course part of the picture but stay always in alignment with what you truly feel is best from your heart space for all concerned including you. Meanwhile lighten up and try to have more fun.

 

Stepping into the sovereignty of your being is what empowers !

Great news!

However some of us find this news while in a relationship that involves a power play of some kind.

 How to go about negotiating a change in the power dynamics in a relationship or a family? Whether you’re on the back foot or the front foot in a relationship that has an unequal power structure don’t get too comfortable with it like that. It will change. Knowing that, allow for it to change in ways that are pleasing for both of you. Aim for a win/win.

The first thing to know and embrace is it is a process. You will require strength and forbearance and patience. Oh and don’t blink, don’t back down from a well thought out plan to exercise more of your power in your own life. Write some steps needed to be taken to maintain harmony in this relationship and or family. Start with-" If my need for, or your need for…..(fill in the blank) is taken into account how do we negotiate a win/win for all concerned."

Don’t mind read or expect them to. Be articulate about your feelings and observations and ask for communication if he is expecting you to read his mind. 

The fact is sometimes we can mind read, but we shouldn’t be expected too. No one is 100% accurate in my experience. And projections abound. Care for your relationships by attending to the margin of error involved in communications and take the time to really listen and communicate. Make it more important . Assumption is the mother of all f-ups.

Strength - not power, is what grows respect. Respect grows love. Self respect grows security. 

So be strong in what you believe in while being flexible enough to compromise where you see it’s needed.

If you find yourself feeling the need to overpower so as to not be overpowered, it could be a reaction to not feeling respected at the moment in relationship. It may not even be about your relationship with your spouse or partner. 

It might be at work. Or with the children. It might be you’re not respecting yourself right now. We always benefit when we explore new understandings around that.  Either way open up the dialogue around this and the vulnerabilities as they present themselves so that your quiet strength is maintained and power games abate.

Above all have fun with one another. Grow out of your comfort zones together. Rinse, repeat. 

The people that maintain happy long term relationships are the ones who learn the ways to show they care.

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